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I just want the self confidence of a cat. 
Honey .... Does this big belly make me look fat?
There's this one really stupid cop that's been following me around flashing his lights ..... Doesn't the idiot notice all of the other people on this road driving the wrong way!!!! ...... Sheeeeesh
.... I'm so old that I actually remember a time when people used to know which restroom to use!! Ahhhhh .... Those were the days ....
I don't know about you but people make me want to say bad words.
I don't really know the difference between yoga pants & leggings and frankly, I don't care.
The stupidest, ugliest Presidential campaign in my entire life: House of Cards meets Sharknado...
Due to the recent debate over public restrooms from this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as... Pats!
Me: I don't know how to dance to this kind of music Beer: yes you do
If you are a man, no matter what you do or don't do, there will always be at least one woman somewhere on this planet who is angry with you for a reason you know not.
Both of these candidates belong behind bars. One in a zoo, the other in prison.
The GOP like war so much that they started a civil war within their own party.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I'M ASKING THEM"
Married sext: you were so good in bed last night... I didn't hear you snore once.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Global warming is caused by people being uncool.
Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount....
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
How to put on deodorant: 1. Apply deodorant. 2. Wait two seconds. 3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant. 4. Reapply deodorant. 