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The stupidest, ugliest Presidential campaign in my entire life: House of Cards meets Sharknado... 
Due to the recent debate over public restrooms from this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as... Pats!
Me: I don't know how to dance to this kind of music Beer: yes you do
If you are a man, no matter what you do or don't do, there will always be at least one woman somewhere on this planet who is angry with you for a reason you know not.
Both of these candidates belong behind bars. One in a zoo, the other in prison.
The GOP like war so much that they started a civil war within their own party.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I'M ASKING THEM"
Married sext: you were so good in bed last night... I didn't hear you snore once.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Global warming is caused by people being uncool.
Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount....
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
How to put on deodorant: 1. Apply deodorant. 2. Wait two seconds. 3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant. 4. Reapply deodorant.
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
The only woman in my life who regularly calls to see if I'm ok works at MasterCard.
Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything, just put a cape on their dog.
My brother came over with his two young sons and I had to child-proof the entire house by closing the blinds and not answering the door.
Smart dogs sit near the toddler at meal time.
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