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If I ever own a parrot I'm going to teach him to say, "Will someone please find the witch who cast this spell on me?" 
My neighbor, Jen, gave me a vitamin. Turns out it was a vitamin for women. I've been getting dressed for the past 2 hours and still can't find the right pair of shoes to match my pants.
When s**t happens turn it into fertilizer.
I'm at my most "Indiana Jones" when I grab a tupperware out of the cabinet & slam the door real fast so the rest don't fly out everywhere.
Yelp review: got murdered; would not recommend 🌟⭐⭐⭐⭐
Always onclude specific instructions for handling your remains in your Will. Do you want them poured out during the final drop of Splash Mountain or along the entire ride?
life is short…smile while you still have teeth
Bud Light; new can, same sucky beer...
Loves a man in uniform..Unless he appears in my rearview mirror.
Social Media: Proving Darwin was right, but in reverse.
For every slice of cheese I cut for my sandwich, I eat a slice.... I feel like this is what God wants me to do.
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
People are so paranoid nowadays. They refuse to answer Knock-Knock jokes until I show some I.D.
I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.
I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"
Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.
I was born to be cool but global warming is slowly changing that.
GARDENING. Cheaper than therapy and ya get tomatos!
* Me with the Dr. they assigned me in my new HMO... Doctor: Ted, you're dying...... ME: My name's not Ted.... Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant. 