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45 years ago today men walked on the moon. Meanwhile, I just ate a donut out of the trash. 
"Braindead" is a new show on CBS about Aliens who invade the U.S. Capitol then seek to eat the minds of our leaders in order to inhabit their bodies. Those poor Aliens. They're going to starve if they're trying to find brains in Washington DC.
... So ... I cheated on my diet for ONE day and gained fifty pounds .... WTF?
Next time you feel like running around naked, please spray yourself with windex...it prevents streaking.
..... Politicians ..... Proof that crime does pay! OK ... Throw in Lawyers too.
Therapy In 4 Words: Great bourbon, fluffy kittens.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
Failed Summer Camp Slogans: Funeral Camp, You'll Dig It Here.
Wreird AirBNB Listing: Stay for FREE in 3 room luxurous home. However if owners return unexpectedly please vacate immediately.
Perhaps Daniel Craig's Successor as James Bond should be a disabled woman.
Still surprised there isn't a 21st century version of the board game "Sorry" called "It's Somebody Else's Mistake".
Upside of Hell you won't have any trouble finding a lawyer or priest.
I'm still not convinced that the lunchroom employees working on the Death Star deserved their fate.
Inspirational Quote: Be the change you want to see in your car's ashtray.
Paul Ryan just listed his spine for sale on Craigslist.
Under further investigation, we discovered that crime does indeed pay.
My wife asked me for a sonnet. Never knew she liked fancy hats.
If Bon Jovi's farewell album isn't called Bon Voyage then what's the point?!?!
Symptoms of a Gluten allergy are depression, trouble breathing, rash and irritability which tells me my ex must have been a soft pretzel.
Dad Tip: Read fairytales backwards to your daughter. She'll think it's good to give up being a princess for a life of housecleaning. 