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Someone's overfeeding that damn cat. I mean.. there's something like Stonehenge in her litter box. 
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest
Ever been so juiced you started speaking fluent Ozzy Osbourne?
All aboard the disoriented express.....
...... Liberals to the Left of me .... Republicans to the right ...... Here I am ..... Stuck in the middle with you ......
Wookies to the left of me, Ewoks to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle of Endor with you...
If MTV landed on the moon again, would people even care?
Miss those 90's thrillers when the bomb clock was still analog and only had three wires.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Before mowing the lawn I always spend an hour pricing goats on the internet.
Nothing says "I'm way more confident than I should be" quite like men over 35 wearing Hollister tees and seashell necklaces.
My phone dies quicker than the black guy in a horror movie.
Did you know people writing 1700's on all their checks was a problem most Americans faced in 1800.
Do soccer players actually pay for those hair cuts or do they just find the first drunk guy with a weed eater and insult his mother?
Life from the 1800's, my whole family died of diarrhea last night.
Find an angry person at the bookstore. You can't.
Finally took my first selfie, and I think I heard Siri throw up a little in her mouth.
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
I'm not sure if there's anything sadder than watching someone eat Sonic in their car by themselves.
Sidenote: You can't hide a booger under a glass table. 