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If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! 
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
"I know a good divorce lawyer" is definitely a wrong thing to say at any wedding. Hmmm now I know.
There is an 87% chance if your wife still sleeps with a stuffed animal you'll end up as the featured story on Dateline at some point.
I'm wondering...did Bruce Jenner get a father's day gift on father's day, a mother's day gift on Mother's day, or gifts on both days? If he gets gifts on both days, then this all makes sense now.
Day 781 of P90X: I carry my car to work everyday.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker.
Trust me, don't get Guinea Pigs. They're a lot of work for relatively little meat.
.... Dammit my six pack has turned into a keg ... time to hit the gym again.
.... If you own a Tesla and it gets stolen .... Is it then called an Edison?
Guess who's not getting anything for father's day....Bruce Jenner
It's Father's Day not FARTHERS DAY Ladies
it too late to claim that I invented the wheel. . .
Between Peyton Manning with a Super Bowl; Sid the Kid with a Stanley Cup, and Lebron tonight; a lot of haterz died a painful death this year. Kudos to three of the all time greats cementing their legacies!!!
First rule of Dad Club is hey are you paying attention here, you need to know how to change a tire, hand me a wrench not that one the other one.
A new report found that Social Security made $6 billion in overpayments in 2015. Which explains how my grandma can afford spinning rims for her Rascal Scooter.
So far it's been a successful Fathers day. There hasn't been anyone knocking on my door with a "You don't know me, but" opening line yet
Not sure what it is but the older I get, the smarter my Dad gets....
Any relationship can be a long distance relationship if you run away.
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