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I just ordered all new cookware made from Hillary Clinton stem cells.....NOTHING sticks to it..... 
Delete Hillary
Would these Hillary supporters just drop dead already?
Lebron went home, Wade went home..what y'all Cubans waiting on?
When blakcs stop shooting each other by the thousands, I'll start worrying about the cops shooting two.
Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I get it women. Great, now I'm crying.
People should be indicted for putting raisins and walnuts in coleslaw.
Sorry Jupiter, unless Matt Damon gets stranded on you, nobody actually cares about your planet.
So we wear the hazmat suit while watching the Rio Olympics correct?!?!
Apple pushing organ donor registration for iPhone users. How?!?! Siri asks over and over, "You know you only really need ONE kidney."
The Kardashians have screwed more celebrities than a camera with no filter.
Imagine arriving in Heaven and finding out guacamole is still extra.
Roger Ailes' Response to Gretchen Carlson's Allegations: "Dat ass doe!"
Summer Checklist: Pay extra for coffee with ice in it.
Got fired from my job because apparently having your secretary bring you a martini while using the bathroom is frowned upon.
Wonder why the lawyer I hired to defend me during my public lewdness trial didn't invoke the "extemely careless" defense.
Just ate some oatmeal and cantaloupe for breakfast incase anyone needs a walking buddy at the mall this afternoon.
Could you imagine if Hillary Clinton mentioned Benghazi in her deleted emails? Republicans heads would explode!!!
i hear "this generation never puts down their phones" a lot and i'm pretty sure it's because most of them are filming a cop shoot somebody
Do you ever feel like you're in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting? 