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Lindsay Lohan already registered her unborn baby in AA. 
Bill O'Reilly has a good point. I mean, without slavery, some of those people could have ended working for a monster like Bill O'Reilly.
It would be nice if Mexicans took some initiative and MadeMexicoGreatAgain
It's not the heat, it's the humidity...That's just dumb, and it shows your stupidity!
Having fun driving the OCD girls on FB crazy who poke back in a nano second and will keep doing it till I stop.
Im must not be a very good dancer. The last time I was dancing, someone jabbed me with an EpiPen
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
Thinking it's definitely a case of the tail wagging the dog here.
Soimeone tossed me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit. I threw a trash can over it til it was dead....
FYI: "I just watched the new Snooki music video" is not a valid excuse to call in sick.
I just can't get into Pokemon so why don't we make a Sweet Valley High Go game where I can collect dreamy dates.
Whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around the city committing crimes.
Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "nerd magic."
Had to check my bank account before I could smoke another cigarette.
My vegetable garden is not doing very well this summer according to this cease and desist letter I received from the city.
In order to enjoy porn, I have to forget everything I know about disease pathology.
I can hear my girlfriend telling me not to touch her from work.
Siri, bring me a delicious cheesecake and tell my food journal to log it as a veggie burger.
Thinking about being the President. But my wife, Melania, said she wouldn't want to move into a much smaller house.
When I was born, the doctor said to my mother: "Congratulations!!! You have an eight-pound ham." 