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I show up to one Swingers Party doing a fantastic Vince Vaughn impersonation and nobody wants to invite me back. 
It's reassuring knowing my brother is looking down on me, but if he stopped wearing heels I'd be an inch taller than him.
Irony is walking into a Hooters and realizing most of the male customers have a "more gifted chest" than the female waitresses.
Baskin Robbins spends $100 million a year to make you believe there are only 31 flavors.
Whenever I eat pizza I look like a rabid dog that's snorted 4 lines of coke.
Did you know Sharknado 4 is the most scientifically accurate movie ever made.
Jill Stein and Jenny McCarthy walk into a bar. They spend the entire night trying to talk people out of doing shots.
Watched Ant-Man today. Now I'm hoping the roach I flushed down the toilet wasn't on some kind of secret mission.
Kids these days call it "Pokemon Go" I used to call it "dropping a little too much acid and chasing the neighborhood cat around".
I will throw an old lady in front of me to avoid being seen by someone I know at the grocery store.
If my boss interrupts my nap one more time I'm going to HR.
Working in an office at a desk is very bad for your heart. To combat this, walk outside and take a smoking break as much as possible.
Hillary Clinton. A modern-day Hood Robin. Robs from the poor to give to herself
My autocorrect just changed "hiatus" to "hi anus" on this email subject line to my boss, so I guess I don't work here anymore.
When I talk to myself,,, it's probably medically classified as Tourette's.
It used to be only captured criminals covered their faces with their jackets... Now it's people telling pollsters how they're going to vote.
Remember,,, When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another.... Because kids.
I made food for my son, set it in front of him like he was going to eat it and then we just laughed and laughed.
I'm beginning to think that this election scenario has turned into our own version of the "Kobayashi Maru"
I'm a nervous wreck about this election, because I'm too rude to live in Canada 