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currently in the county jail trying to explain to the man in uniform that I was playing pokemon, trying to catch a pikachu when he caught me looking in your window. 
Hey parents: I haven't seen one medal awarded at the Olympics for participation.
It costs you nothing to pay someone a compliment. Be nice to someone today. Kindness is contagious.
Did you know that "Go hang a salami, Doc! Note; I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod. I’m a lasagna hog." is a palindrome? You do now.
My wife : "What's the big deal with Usain Bolt finishing in under 10 seconds? You do that all the time."
If you can't say something nice, go write a YouTube comment.
Usain Bolt is the world's fastest man, but if they had a sex olympics my husband would be in the hunt for the title.
Jesus' Greatest Miracles: 1) Turning water to wine... 2) Raising Lazarus... 3) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Fortunately, my injuries were only super-fish-oil.
Out of everything Johnny Depp has been accused of, his wearing a crop top jersey in Nightmare on Elm Street has got to be the worst.
Forgive me for saying this but if you like the Rolling Stones more than the Beatles we can't be friends.
I'm at the age where an all-nighter takes place over 2 nights.
At least once a day I pause to remember the fish from the Faith no More video.
Just put a stick figure family on my car so I’d have one place where I look skinny.
Watching an Olympian biting his gold medal he just won while I bite the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.
Mexico isn't doing too well in the Olympics. Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already gone to the United States.
My dog ate out of the garbage, sniffed himself, threw up and fell asleep in the kitchen. Think he's mocking me when I drink.
Can you please color code your meltdowns so we can keep up?
Malia Obama smoked pot?! Uh-oh. If she keeps up this behavior, she might wind up becoming president.
The man in the toilet stall next to me sounds like he’s pushing a car up a hill and not making any headway. 