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If my house could talk it would assume I own stock in Ramen Noodles. 
“Lunch is on me!” -Guy who just threw up on himself
It’s not that I enjoy hot, steamy showers. I just want the mirrors fogged up so I can’t see my naked body.
Probably the coolest thing about this new Steven Seagal blow up doll is the ego inside inflates itself.
Spilled syrup on my Polo this morning. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers today.
Running late today cuz there was a rare Pokemon 17 miles south of where I needed to be.
Ryan Lochte now claims Colin Powell suggested he lie about being robbed at gunpoint.
The only positive to attending a school recital is being able to fall asleep knowing your partner can't yell at you....
Ironically, this is probably the first time Melania has seen him nude.
SPORTS FACT: The Olympics takes place every four years because it lasts four years.
Female mannequins create unrealistic portrayals of women....mostly because the mannequins don't talk.
Uber has announced that their first self-driving cars will hit the streets within weeks. Nice of them to give us a running start.
I don't blame the US Olympic swimmers. Every time I vandalize a gas station bathroom, I always use the "I was robbed by a Brazilian" excuse.
My girlfriend asked me to make her feel special, so I bought her a coloring book and crayons .
Its funny how no one is bringing up the fat lazy Americans...probably because we are stomping the world at the Olympics AGAIN.....
Pro tip: No matter how many times your baby asks, don't give them Indian food...
I credit my dad for my sense of humor..... Oh,. She's funny, too?.......... Ummm,,No......
Few things are more disconcerting than a damp hand towel.
Gone with the Wind in 60 Seconds #2FilmsBecome1
FYI: A swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild- save for the seldom-seen penfish,,, which is said to "talk alot of smack",, be even mightier than they are. 