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Sorry kids, Mom's too nauseous to do anymore Disney rides today. 
Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."
Remember the time I blocked every channel except QVC and you were so mad and it was totally worth it because we got a deep fryer?
Imagine what Star Wars was rated before they censored all of R2-D2's lines.
My wife bought that Pepperidge Farm bread so I guess this is what it feels like to have disposable income.
You can do anything you want when you grow up, son, as long as you don't go viral on the internet before daddy.
I'm gonna light a tire fire on my front lawn & just chant all day & night until my kids start school again so everyone understands my pain.
Finally got the rest of that Butterfinger out of my teeth that I ate in 2014.
Sorry I told your kid beehives were nature's honey piñatas.
My last girlfriend said she wanted a commitment so I made a large purchase on her credit card.
Ann Coulter only flies Southwest, because "bags fly free".
I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts
Cheer up, Ryan Lochte! You might have lost your Speedo sponsorship, but Just For Men is interested in making you their new spokesman.
Vegan zombies never stop talking about how they only eat vegetarians.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Not to be a downer but after being gone for 33 years now I'm starting to suspect that my Dad isn't still out buying cigarettes....
Carpool Karaoke except they crash and explode into a ball of flames.
You can sell your left over weight watchers points on ebay.
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
Considering they got in a car and floated off into the sky I'd really like to know where Danny and Sandy went off to....
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