Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it's because they're crazy.

   When you see a Snowden movie directed by Oliver Stone, do the theater ushers hand out tin foil hats instead of 3D glasses?

   Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $8.13 in change.

   Other Classic Jimmy Fallon Bits: 1) Coyishly rubbing oil on Putin's bare chest. 2) Playing footsie with Saddam Hussein. 3) Tugging Osama's beard.

   What I really seek is a career where I can combine my three main strengths as a worker: sulking, sighing and complaining about management.

   Wonder what the electric eel was called, before electricity was invented.

   The best threesome is two chocolate chip cookies sandwiching ice cream.

   Did you know the NFL has announced they'll pledge $100 million to prevent player concussions; still no word on preventing their wives concussions.

   Brock Turner launching a "Drinking and Promiscuity" speaking tour is like Bill Cosby launching a "Roofies and Asking for It" sleep clinic.

   Clinton 46% but her body double is polling at 62%....

   I don't really care to people's opinions when I can hit their IQ on a dart board.

   As it says in Corinthinans 2: "The hateful bigot shall be forgiven if after 7 years he blames someone else while promoting his hotel."#amen

   Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race, but then I remember there are grown ups who like Pokémon Go.

   Bartender on the phone. "Oh, ,hey.." Sees a priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk in " dude, let me call you back. This is going to be amazing"

   All I'm saying is a nacho bar would go a long ways towards earning that bigger tip, Uber drivers.

   In Gary Johnson's defense, its not easy keeping up with current events when you're stoned all the time.

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster

   Apparently I am turned on when me boss wears a short skirt. I found that out the hard way.

   I have a painful bulging vein on my thigh. It's an overactive thigh-roid.

   So, if a $3.50 cheeseburger has 350 calories, 2 of them for $5 only has 500 calories, right?