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Instead of paying for a haunted house this year I'm just making the kids clean out the refrigerator. 
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the Halloween fun-size candy wrappers in your trash can.
Why is my kid in the living room doing cartwheels when I put her to bed an hour ago?
I'm sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your birthday.
@ a funeral . ME: What's the WiFi password PRIEST: Respect the dead ME: Is that all small letters?
If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.
A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.
When I was young at bedtimes my mum always told me a story with a happy ending. One of the benefits of having a mum from Thailand I suppose.
I think Christmas must be near, The bin man said good morning to me.
Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise.
There is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.
The only people watching your Facebook Live Streaming are your stalkers.
Just once I'd like someone to say to me "sheesh your girl's hot as sh1t."
I can't decide whether to vote for the crooked liar or the lying crook...
Wait, free healthcare premiums are going up again?? Don't worry Democrats, it'll be announced after your fools elect you...
Talking to you makes my ovaries hurt.
When you put "LOL" onto the end of your text message, it acts like a flotation device so the message doesn't sink into sadness. LOL
What do I call people who don't like Halloween? Boring. I call them boring.
I'm so hungry I could eat a farm-raised, grass-fed, free-range, fair trade, organic, no-added antibiotics or hormones horse.
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