Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I should of went to the store before I gone to bed but I was to tired and I went to their to early and I was afraid I would loose to much sleep.

   they are making new a fast and furious and a new transformers movie. any hope I had for 2017 being a good year has fast evaporated

   I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.

   Slow dancing with a fat person? That's like trying to move a refrigerator by yourself."

   "What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?? Barackoli.."

   Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss

   All I need to do is find a woman who is as pathetic as me and I will live happily ever after.

   But in my defense if a girl yelling please don't come yet wants me to last longer she should probably try reverse psychology

   Amazon Go let's you walk out of the store without stopping to pay?.. Winona Ryder, , you are a woman about 15 years ahead of your time

   Later this year the "Thank you tour" will be making its way through Europe

   Forbes says Taylor Swift was the highest earning musician this year taking home $170 million. Every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, she writes a hit song about it. If this doesn't show what men can do for you ladies, I don't know what does.

   I'm convinced. New York has the largest demographic of nit-wits of any city on the planet.

   Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.

   Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

   wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair

   You just don’t see people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

   Got up early and had 3 eggs bacon fried potatoes coffee, now i'm ready to go back to bed ....

   I'm the reason Waldo is hiding

   I've decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."

   I can't stand all these 'Stand with Standing Rock' Facebook post anymore