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Random tip: If you fill a pinata with ketchup, you never have to host a children's birthday party ever again! 
There are roughly 700,000 people having sex at any given moment. Meanwhile, I'm practicing how to kiss a girl with wild raccoons.
Marriage tip #9: When your wife spills something and makes a mess, don't offer to clean it up. She will realize that there are consequences to her actions, and she will grow as a person because of it.
EVERY TIME I visit a website, I click Accept cookies. I have yet to receive a single cookie and I'm getting sick and tired of the lies.
If 22 is twenty two & 33 is thirty three, then why the heck is 11 not onety one?
Marriage tip: When your wife is laying down on the couch, ask her if she plans on doing anything today. This will subconsciously remind her that she has chores to do that need done, and she needs to get up and start doing her chores.
Me: I've been feeling unwell. Can I take a one day leave? Boss: When I feel sick, I kiss my wife and my sickness goes. Try it! Me: I tried it. At first your wife hesitated, but then she enjoyed it. Boss: you're done - fired!
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of Worcestershire Sauce?
I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all their free time.
I wonder if any of my calls were ever used for training or quality assurance.
What if the Indiana Jones movies are just the dreams of Han Solo while he's frozen in carbonite?
Before you lend someone money, hug them. Might be the last time you ever see them.
A cop pulled me over and said "Your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" I said "Your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating donuts?" We both laughed and laughed. And now I need money for bail.
If you don't want the truth, don't ask me. If you want something sugarcoated, go eat a donut.
I'm at the point in life where the hottest text I get is: "Your prescription is ready for pick up"
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
I'd love to sit here and have a battle of wits with you, but it appears you have come unarmed
I hate when people say "Act like an adult". Have you seen adults lately? That's horrible advice!
I took my daughter to work on "Take your kid to work day". But when we walked in she started to cry. As concerned staff gathered round, I asked her what was wrong. And she said, "Dad, where are all the clowns you said you work with?"
They say "the machines of the future" will be as smart as people. Okay, but which people? Because that makes a huge difference. 