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My boss calls me, "The computer". Not because of my technical skills but because I apparently go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes. 
They should release the movie Groundhog Day under the name Groundhog Day 2 and call it a sequel
My bank just charged me money for not having enough money in the bank. Turns out I can't even afford to be broke.
Some of the buildings in town don't have a 13th floor, because everybody thinks that the 13th floor is bad mojo. If you live in a building like that on the '14th' floor, I'm here to point out the elephant in the room, which is that you can call it whateve
I really think it's time to take the warning labels off of everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.
I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.
97% of what I worry about, never happens. Apparently worry works.
My grief counselor just died. I really don’t care. I guess we made progress.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike. It's a vicious cycle...
The weather forecast: Snow possible, anywhere from 0 to 145 inches. Maybe. Could start at 5,6,7,8,9 O'clock. Maybe today or maybe not. Possibly none.
I don't always get blocked on social media. But when I do, it's usually a good indication I was right and they couldn't handle it.
I run every day for 20 minutes. If I miss a day I add 20 minutes to the next day. This has really been a game changer. Tomorrow I'm supposed to run for 4 months.
When I see rich, snooty looking women at the grocery store, I pretend I need something and say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" just to help keep things real 🤣
The only thing worse than your girlfriend sending you a text to "break up" is her sending another text saying, "Sorry, that wasn't for you".
They said iv got ADHD and it's the most ............ Hey look a Squirrel
Remember those days when people used to write diaries and got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything on Facebook and get mad when people don't read them.
It's not snowing!
Sometimes you just have to tell someone you can keep talking, but I'm going to hang up right now.
I'm going to eat straight corn for supper tonight so I'll have something for the bird feeder in the morning
The book on marriage says, "Treat your wife like you treated her on the first date". So after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents house. 