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I don't always get blocked on social media. But when I do, it's usually a good indication I was right and they couldn't handle it. 
I run every day for 20 minutes. If I miss a day I add 20 minutes to the next day. This has really been a game changer. Tomorrow I'm supposed to run for 4 months.
When I see rich, snooty looking women at the grocery store, I pretend I need something and say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" just to help keep things real 🤣
The only thing worse than your girlfriend sending you a text to "break up" is her sending another text saying, "Sorry, that wasn't for you".
They said iv got ADHD and it's the most ............ Hey look a Squirrel
Remember those days when people used to write diaries and got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything on Facebook and get mad when people don't read them.
It's not snowing!
Sometimes you just have to tell someone you can keep talking, but I'm going to hang up right now.
I'm going to eat straight corn for supper tonight so I'll have something for the bird feeder in the morning
The book on marriage says, "Treat your wife like you treated her on the first date". So after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents house.
The last time I had faith in the news was when it was with Huey Lewis.
I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work. Thankfully I was at work.
I grew up a stones throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries
Work is like a browser: 20 tabs open, 5 frozen, and you have no idea where the music is coming from.
I hate when I'm on Facebook and I'm rudely interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield.
The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me "amigo". Am I in a gang now?
10 million people share the same birthday as you. How special does that personalized horoscope feel now?
The reason that partakers of marijuana tend to enjoy Hostess® and Little Debbie® snack-cakes is because they're 'baked goods.'
My wife's New Year's resolutions: 1. I will not nag my husband. 2. I will not boss my husband around. 3. I will obey my husband's every command.
Facebook should have notifications like: "Karen and Steven took your post personal. Do you want to unfriend those people?" 