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If I go to jail, my wife will get me out. She never lets me finish a sentence. 🤣🤣🤣 
When you say you don't drink, everyone insists you have one. When you say you don't eat meat, everyone tries to feed you steak. But say you're broke... and suddenly no one offers anything.
Marriage tip: If your wife tries to tell you something and you don't understand her use the phrase, "Honey, I hear you, but I'm just not listening." This will cause your wife to re-iterate what she wants you to know in a more concise manner.
I don't procrastinate. I wait until it becomes urgent enough to feel important.
If people make you sick, try cooking them a little longer
Shout out to all the married folk out there waiting for their spouse to fall asleep on the couch so they can watch what they really want to.
The Internet has taught me two things: First, there are some incredibly brilliant people out there. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.
Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that'd be great.
When your kids say they hate school, remember to tell them that someday if they're lucky, they'll have a job they hate too.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.
I called my wife to tell her I'd seen a bear on the way to work. She asked how I knew it was on its way to work. I hung up on her.
Screwed around and used all my sick days. Now I gotta call in dead.
I guess they had to invent artificial intelligence since real intelligence is running out.
Can we please stop the spin the wheel crap when visiting a website already?
Sometimes I think about deleting all social media and living in a cabin in the woods. Then I remember I like online shopping.
I love that I have a positive mental attitude. I'm positive. I'm mental. And I definitely have attitude.
Marriage tip: Always keep your spouse as the center on your phone. That way, whenever you need some encouragement, you can look at your phone and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to this person for so long, I can get through anything".
They say that the machines of the future will be as smart as people. Which people? It kind of matters.
Marriage tip: Always let your wife know that you are all about fighting for women's rights. Especially the right to remain silent. There's no reason she needs to talk so much. It's not like appliances are voice activated.
I can't wait to retire so I can get up at 6 and go drive around really slowly and make everyone late for work. 