Funny Status Messages

   hates walking into nasty smelling bathrooms knowing after you leave the next guy in line always thinks you did it... as you fight the urge to notify him it was like that when you got there

   got his girlfriend pregnant .gotcha b!tch :)

   Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.

   I like to think of myself as "Emotionally Exciting" as opposed to bipolar.

   Honesty is the best policy. But just try getting an Honesty Policy from your insurance broker.

   There are three things that are scary to watch the morning after partyn hard! : own face, purse and list of outgoing calls :)

   I'm a mess. Not in the "beautiful mess" way. In the "you dropped an omelette all over the floor then stepped in it" way.

   I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's bullsh!t.

   a little piece of me dies everyday... in a tubesock shoved to the bottom of my laundry hamper... thanks mom

   All I needed was the kit but they made me buy the whole kaboodle.

   On one issue, at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women.

   How do I always end up stalking people on Facebook that I don't even know...

   Your wife is more of a "certificate of completion" than a "trophy"

   I cannot be held responsible for anything you may have told me before I had my coffee.

   she should win a prize for making it through the whole week without stabbing someone with a fork!

   needs advice and help, but not from you.

   If I aimed to please, I wouldn't piss on the seat.

   ...so the stumbling Cowboys play the bumbling Vikings on Sunday. Uh oh. Somebody gonna be 1-4.

   has just realized it doesnt matter if the glass is half empty or half full...either way it just means there is still room for more vodka!

   will not be making any Christmas related status updates until December