Funny Status Messages

   Shoppingcarts....teaching women to walk upright since 1869

   Thank God pistachios have those shells to slow me down because the only thing stopping me from eating twelve pounds of them is that there aren't enough hours in the day.

   Gotta get my ORAL workout: If two witches were watching two watches....then which witch would watch which watch?

   Came home & my girlfriend had on my favorite thong. Needless to say I dumped her. No one wears my clothes and gets away with it

   Wondering if the inventor or "crotchless panites" was thinking "Outside the box"

   "The most beautiful things in the world cannot be heard or touched, they must be seen"- Stevie Wonder

   "Did you hear that" - Hellen Keller

   Not the time to lose one's head. That's not the way to get ahead in life. It's a shame you arent't more headstrong. You'll never be the head of a major corporation.

   watching The Biggest Loser. I'd really love to be on that show. Not so much to lose weight.. but just to have Jillian ride me like a donkey while talking dirty to me.. Yeahh baby!

   AHHHH-CHOO!!!........٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶....If you are allergic to bullcrap, drama queens, head games, liars, two-faced fake people, keep this sneeze going.....

   My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill.

   Let's play a game. Shuffle your music playlist. Skip the the 7th song. Write the first few lyrics, then the last name/one of the words from the band's name. Then write the track length. Congratulations, you've created your own bible verse.

   Women and cats will do as they damn well please. Men and dogs should relax and get used to it

   OK Girls sorry to say this but Sometimes your knight in shining armor Guy is actually a dumb ass in aluminum foil.

   its better to lose a lover then to love a loser

   Do not be sad if people preferred another one on you .. It's hard to convince the monkey that strawberries sweeter than bananas

   I don't get jealous when I see my ex with someone new, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to someone less fortunate

   Stay strong; the best things in life are worth fighting for.

   When outdoors use the buddy system... if a wild animal approaches push your buddy toward it and run like hell

   Why do I happen to wear black when I'm eating powdered donuts. Dammit.