Funny Status Messages

   I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help. .... So I hired a hitman

   ‎3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!

   whenever I start to get tired of being single... I go sleep on the couch to remember what being in a relationship is like.

   When nudists put on a play, do they argue about who has the biggest part?

   Don't wait untill friday, start your weekend at monday !!

   I love the way you laugh....mostly because your boobs jiggle when you do :)

   Maury: "Darth Vader, you.... ARE the father." Luke: "Nooooo!"

   (SINGS) this is the Song that Never ends.. it just goes on and on my friend.. Some ppl started singing it not knowing what it was, & they'll continue singing it 4ever just because... LOL!! Bet your singing it now too! YW!

   This is what will happen if you look like me............(SMACK)

   doing the 'Fandango'...

   I have been checking facebook less and less. If this continues, I'll eventually forget about all those people for the 2nd time.

   I am REALLY good at what I do. You know, procrastinating and stuff.

   Everytime I hear strangers talking to each other in foreign languages I always automatically assume they're talking sh*t.

   Sometimes really old people scare the sh*t out of me.

   It's cute how the news wants me to stick around until 11 for the forecast. As if I didn't have 100 other ways to get that info in seconds.

   I love piecing my night together one drunk text at a time.

   Instead of tagging me in ugly pictures on Facebook, I wish you could just say "I hate you" straight to my face.

   Women should come with a log book of past activities

   Filling out a job application. Under 'Military Experience' I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.

   What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved