Funny Status Messages

   ..i think Facebook needs a "Yes I Like Your Status And Have Commented On It ... But I Don't Want To Know When Everyone Else F*cking Does!" button

   why is it after I press 1 for english, I still cannot understand the person on the other line?

   finally catching up with my emails…..ballon boy?…..how crazy is that?

   the 11th commandment; Thou shalt not mess with Leroy Jethro Gibbs

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   In America they call it Survivor, in Canada we call it camping.

   Excuse me miss I believe your ass is on fire... let me help you put it out

   I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.

   I just sneezed and farted simultaneously while peeing, I think I saw god.

   at the nail salon & a lady working there asked me something. I couldn't understand, so I asked my nail tech to tell her that. He turns and said to her, "She stupid, she no understand". thx a lot nail tech..no tip for you! ha

   ‎9/11 is a perfect example of why we can't pretend airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars :P

   Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.... it`s called "TRYDIXAGAIN

   Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.........

   would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

   Likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you.

   knows that my man really love me by asking him if he does while he's sleep talkin'. It works.

   You're about as uselss as the first slice of bread.

   There's a fine line between tan, & looking like you rolled in doritos.

   You're skin is such a nice orange, what ethnicity are you? Carrot, perhaps?,