Funny Status Messages

   Just some helpful advice.. If someone shows up at your job with a camera crew and says they are doing a documentary about your job... you're probably on an episode of Undercover Boss..

   If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you grin, what makes you pregnant? (Two highballs and a Squirt)

   Eeenie meenie miney moe, Bieber's got a camel toe.

   sliced bread, best invention since icecream on a stick...

   When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

   There is nothing friendlier than a wet dog.

   If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me instead."

   Mmm... caffeine pills. The midnight snack of champions

   Fat Girls are good for two things. Heat in the winter and shade in the summer

   "I see!" says the blind man, as he pisses in the fan, "It all comes back to me now..."

   You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.

   Everything I ever needed to know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.

   a wise monkey never monkeys with another monkeys monkey

   Beware of those people who never post any statuses!...Come on now, we all know you're not JUST on fb to play the games, after all that's what a good ole game of solitaire is for.

   what do a shingle and a fat girl have in common?.......98% chance will be nailed by a mexican.

   if I felt anymore like crap, I'm sure I'd be sitting in a toilet getting ready to be flushed away.

   If brains were money you'd have to take out a loan to buy a cup of coffee

   Why are some parents hypocritical..."don't lie to me or I'll tell SAnta on you"

   wants to play basketball with the president and dunk on his delegates.

   heard that Thailand has the highest rate of prostitution in the world, but again what dyu expect from a country whose name is "THAI-land", with a capital city named "BANG-KOK" and a tourist destination called "PHUK-ET"!!!