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wonders why girls can't get their pictures taken without pursing their lips like little who*res. 
Don't worry about that old lady crossing the street...she rolled the dice the second she stepped off the curb.
The equation for Lady Gaga's Bad Romance :(RAH)^2 (AH)^3 + RO(MA +(MA)^2) + (GA)^2 + OOH(LA)^2
Her: ''Honey, you never listen to what I say!'' --- Him: ''Of course they will.''
BBC News: Pope offers 'hand of friendship'... followed shortly by an offer of sweets and viewing of his new puppies in the Vatican basement!
noticed on the news earlier that the Popemobile has got a very distinctive personal number plate: 1 H4V3 M4DD13. No idea what that's all about.
going to start a rival site to Facebook. Not to compete with Facebook but for your rivals. You could get in touch with all your arch-enemies, and show how much you dislike them.
beginning to feel like every day of my life is like an open tryout for a wacky new reality television show.
has been thinking a lot lately. Did I say "thinking"? I meant "drinking."
even the dark is frightened of me !
wonders if bear cubs wrestle and bite each other to prepare for hunting and caring for themselves as adults, why do babies pull folded laundry out of a basket and lay it all over the floor? Preparing to be husbands?
how does one reconcile the statements "If at first you don't succeed, try try again" and "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results"?
If you didn't do anything wrong, then why do you look as nervous as a pedophile on parole at Chucky Cheese?!
always happy, and wondering how they will find pppropriate picture to use on his obituary
likes saying YOU'RE WELCOME really loudly when people don't thank you.
I lost my phone for an hour. The day I lost my 5 year-old neice at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life.
I credit Tetris for the speed and agility I display when loading the dishwasher
Today I went to IKEA and hid in the wardrobes. And every time someone opened the doors I welcomed them to Narnia!
facebook should add a b*tchslap otion along with like or dislike option
there should be a happy hr during the work day whos on board
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