Funny Status Messages

   The best don't-drink-and-drive message ever would be if the Budweiser blimp crashed into the Goodyear blimp during a game.

   A watched pot never boils. But an unwatched pot boils dry and burns. Is there a happy medium?

   I just got in a car accident while reading a sign telling me to keep my eyes on the road.

   I Don't Care what anybody says, Nothing says I Love you more like standing in line for you're girl to buy tampax pearl."

   We celebrate Labor Day by not working. Which is kind of like celebrating Arbor Day by paving the backyard.

   relationship status will changed from "married" to " It's complicated " about once a month.. I love my wife....

   This fish smells familiar. I just can't put my finger on it.

   Dear Monday, nothing against you but I'm glad you almost over. Please ease traffic for me. Sincerely, THE TAILGATER.

   i spend so much time on FB I might get married to someone on my friend list and host a FB wedding lol and Invite all my friend to the Fan Page lmao

   Mirror.. Mirror.. on the wall, out of all my Facebook friends who is the fairest of them all?

   The jungle is only fun when you are on top of the food chain

   They should really outlaw cursive handwriting nowadays. Especially for the ones who can't spell.

   Women say looks don't matter and all they want is a guy who is smart and funny. But all they end up doing is laughing at whatever the stupid good looking guy says.

   I'm not sure what I like most about Woman's U.S. Open Tennis.... watching them play or... listening to them play :)

   How do you stop a fish from smelling? Plug it's nose

   walking through ICU at a hospital dressed as the grim reaper

   Teacher: John why did you bring your cat to school today? John: (crying) I heard the postman tell mom "when the kid goes to school i'ma eat your (CENSORED).

   Confused! My gf is complaining about tennis elbow and she doesn't even play tennis!

   OK Guys (and some of you girls). When someone says something to you and you're not sure what they say...don't just guess, ask so you don;t confuse "stay at my place, for play on my face!" It could be a little embarassing!

   wondering if fish pussies smell like people!?!