Funny Status Messages

   We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And some people still wonder why some are afraid when they are told they are loved.

   The economy is so bad, a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

   w Look at your status. Now back to mine. Now back to yours. Noback to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine.

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends. Seriously it's not rocket science.

   "No offense" means "I'm about to insult you, but don't get mad."

   They should really replace, "I now pronounce you man and wife" with "FINISH HIM!!!" (mortal combat music blasting)

   When I see a bumper sticker that says "Bring home the Troops," I mentally finish the sentence with "then send in the Ninjas."

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to ice cream stores. How can I be sure this fifth of Vodka is worth the 6 dollars without a quick chug?

   I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.

   "Maybe later..." is a polite way of saying "Never"

   I just saved a ton of money by not paying my car insurance bill.

   If there's one thing I definitely couldn't live without, it would probably be my body.

   When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement.

   The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.

   I'm not saying our schools suck, but after one day of sex ed, my kid thinks single parents are the result of masturbation.

   Does all this updating my Facebook status make my ego look fat?

   I'm feeling so good today, I'd like to ask you to high-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   With a name like "Earl," I'm more afraid this hurricane will get drunk and beat a pregnant woman, than I am that it will cause flooding.

   One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished.

   Signs that you have no life: when you have nothing better to do than complain.