Funny Status Messages

   Telling the cop that you thought the voice in your GPS counted as a designated driver doesn't help your case.

   doesn't understand the phrase 'less than a few minutes.' I mean, we don't even know how long 'a few minutes' is, so how the hell would we know what's less than that?

   The 33 miners trapped deep underground have apparently been given the bad news that it will take 3 months to dig them out of deep hole... I wish our government would tell us when we could expect being dug out of "Our Hole"

   I "HOPE" we can "CHANGE" it back!

   Mow let me get this straight ------------~ Damn!! So close!!!

   How do I set my Lazer Printer to Stun?

   I cant take this sh*t anymore!!! .....so I flushed the toilet and walked out :)

   Mr. Officer would you like Coffee & doughnuts with my license & registration sir???

   They say money doesn't buy happiness.....I am guessing you're shopping at the wrong store...

   in case of a fire do not use the elevator use water

   I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.

   If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"

   Somedays it is just so hard being so much better than most people.

   I was just hit by a Prius. It felt like I walked into a tree.

   I'm going to name my dog Curiosity and see what my cat loving friends think about that.

   Please pray 4 me. Had a checkup & I tested positive 4 being The S#it! I'm allergic 2 all haters. Side effects may cause me 2 slap a bit**!!

   Forgetting an email attachment is the 21st century's version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside.

   I avoid "online dating sites" because they match you up with people who share your interests and I don't want to go out with a weirdo.

   Ok, it's official...I spend way too much time on facebook. I just caught myself giving my boss a thumbs up because I liked something He said.. God help me!

   On this date in 2005 Hurricane Katrina blow more black guys in one day then...Lisa Lampanelli has in 15 years...