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Someone just called me NORMAL......I have never been so insulted in my life.... 
When she starts "first of all "in the middle of an argument,just give up, she has won already as she is gonna bring up stuff from 10 years back
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
Be careful when a guy says "he loves you from the bottom of his heart",this may mean that "there is still enough space for another girl at the top"
People should only be allowed to take selfies as often as they renew there license.
Woke up to the sound of gunfire this morning. Luckily, my wife is not a good shot.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
Im too honest to live in poverty. I have a job.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.
Your boyfriend/hubby is always beating you up and you say its "Gangster love",no its not,its WWE SMACKDOWN....you dating John Cena!?
DR. check his vital signs, NURSE: He's got 4G coverage and his battery is at 60%
Who else has this problem? "I want to start eating my meal, but I can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat"
The number 5 is pronounced "ha" in thai so 555 is slang for "hahaha"
As a kid getting sent to bed was a punishment, but now leaving my bed feels like a punishment
My inner self is in Photoshop
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Fyre Festival Attendee: "I'll have a cheese sandwich." Fyre Festival Host: "Here you go, that'll be $1200.00." FF Attendee: "Hey, still cheaper than a sandwich at the airport."
I just executed a North Korean Squirrel.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
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