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The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn't enough... 
FOX needs to hire more women who look like Rachel Madcow. Problem solved.
I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.
I opened up this app & just keep swiping right at all the sexy pictures...I can't believe how many selfies I have stored in my pictures
A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device. The p3ni$ has now dropped to second place.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
Feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....
Can anyone tell me the name of that Jennifer Anniston movie? You know, the one where she plays the quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?
They say that inside every heavy person there's a thin person wanting to get out. I must have the entire cast of America's Next Top Model inside me.
Trying to argue with someone over text is like drinking alcohol to lose weight.
I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!
NASCAR killed Dale Sr and Dale Jr just killed NASCAR.
i put my phone on plane mode and then it kicked my ass!
When you like someone but they want you to meet their friend, it's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"
Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
When it comes to my omelette cheese I'm Un-American. #whitechesseplease
You are catching up to the cool people, Happy Birthday!
dont fart in an apple store, they dont have windows
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013
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