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They made Paul McCartney and Elton John knights. What's the point if they aren't going to joust? 
And then Satan said "put the alphabet in math"
I really hate it when people constantly need reassurance. You know what I mean?
All this talk about egg rolls is making me hungry for Chinese foood.
ever look at somebodys feet and there toes look like Fritoes
In school I was always the teachers pet. I was like a pet cat though. They just woke me up when it was time to eat.
It's fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can't tell.
They should change the sound of the new chip card machines . Make me panic and think my purchase was denied. Put a ding on on it or some thing make me think I won something
You can't buy happiness but you can buy weed and that is pretty close.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
BREAKING NEWS: Aaron Hernandez out indefinitely with neck injury.
Aaron Hernandez's suicide just means 1 more Patriot wont be visiting the White House Today...
Why is anybody sad about Aaron Hernandez killing himself? He is a murderer. It's funny how people act like he's an angel now.
Much like the Atlanta Falcons, Aaron Hernandez choked in the end.
How can Bill O'Reilly be fired. The President assured as he is a good guy and didn't do anything wrong.
Breaking news .. a White House to hire Bill O'Reilly and appoint him as chair of women's rights committee.
Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. Good news, Hes now recovered.
Wow, that was embarrassing. I tried to non-chalantly touch one of Ivanka's breasts and ended up holding hands with the President.
After further review, Arron Hernadez's feet did not touch the ground. The ruling in the cell stands.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
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