Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.

   I go around at night knocking the little lead pieces off of people's tires at night. I own the tire shop up the street.

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like being italian and having to talk with handcuffs.

   I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Never really got into the show The Walking Dead because I thought it was about the Obama administration.

   We live in a generation of weak people. Everything has to be watered down because it's offensive, including the truth.

   Chances are ladies, that if you're holding an acoustic guitar in your profile pic, I'm not accepting your friend request.

   Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.

   I received some good financial news today Muntabe, the African kid I was sponsoring was eaten by a lion

   Drink Bacardi while you workout and call it Bacardio

   On the lighter side, United Airlines won't have to worry about being overbooked for a while.

   Just want to say a quick prayer to United's Public Relations teams. RIP.

   If I don't lose some weight, I'm gonna get one of those lap band things. Not the surgery. I mean I'll be able to fit The Stones on my lap.

   If you think that the Kendall Jenner commercial is the worst thing Pepsi ever created, let me remind you that Pepsi also makes Mountain Dew.

   I can't believe that United Air offered passengers $800.00 and a hotel stay to give up their seat and not one took them up on it.

   In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.

   Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1) Wearing leggings 2) Having an United Airlines ticket

   I feel like everybody judges me when I say Worcestershire sauce...

   “Can someone call my daughter and find out if I should bomb Syria? She's very beautiful, you know."

   Hey Sean Spicer … reality called. It misses you and hopes you are doing okay.