Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You all have heard of Murphy's Law right?.....It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong....But have you heard of Cole's Law?...It's shredded cabbage.

   when I go to the store looking for paper towel, I feel like a BOUNTY hunter

   I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?

   Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.

   Thanks to Twitter, everybody with a computer and something to complain about thinks they're a modern day Che Guevara.

   Do you know what really grinds my gears? Not pushing in the clutch far enough when shifting.

   I may never understand women but I do know two words never to say to them, "calm down."

   Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.

   When you start receiving "Lifetime Achievement" awards it's probably a good time to make sure your will is up to date.

   I'm going to the store. I'm at the doctor. My daughter is at the prom. I'm at a restaurant. My dog got a sticker in his paw. (That comprises 90% of all social media posts.)

   I'm going to see to it that Tallmtnman dies from my hands. We don't need raci.sts like him.

   Remember this my friends: With great power comes a great electric bill.

   Folks should be made aware of the difference between want and need. Example: I want a hot body, but I need pizza.

   I have herpes. Wait. Autocorrect strikes again. I have recipes.

   i dropped my affordable health care because I couldn't afford it .

   Women will get equal pay once they are willing to pick up the check at dinner.

   don't forget tonight we time travel without a T.A.R.D.I.S

   Given the exploding population of idiots in our communities, I think it’s about time we required people to pass a test first before they are allowed to vote. We can’t afford to put our destiny in the hands of clueless idiots.

   Actors in movies kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone likes my profile pic, I think about it for like 5 months.

   We have reached a disturbing stage as a society. A stage where if you do something stupid, disturbing, sick, nasty, disgusting or perverted, you are guaranteed to have some people who are going to cosign and support it.