Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   I was going to moving to Russia if Hillary won the election. . .

   I just saw a man at the beach yelling ”help shark help” I just laughed I know that shark wasn't going to help him...

   From now on I will only accept apologies in cash......

   Negative People irks my nerves.. worry about yourself... maybe you're not getting promoted cuz you so negative!!!!

   March 4th, the only day of the year that actually tells you to go do something.

   I have nothing in common with people who replace bread ties.

   The guy I’ve been paying to pick up sh*t in my backyard just realized that I don’t own a dog .

   if I die while I'm in an elevator I hope its while I'm going up not down

   My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of coffee.

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

   Every knows a person that acts like a loser even when they win. Well

   I may be crazy, but I'm not, "Of course I'd lease an office in the new One World Trade Center" crazy.

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the bad guy for tripping him?

   Okay. If you're over 10 years old and you still celebrate your birthday as birthday month, you should seek immediate help.

   The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit

   My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

   A 70-year-old man who watches TV for eight hours a day, plays lots of golf, and always seems to be in Florida is a retiree, not a President.

   If any toys in Toy story died the kids would keep playing with them but the other toys would be playing with their dead friends.......creepy

   "If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture."