Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dear Razor blade Commercials: Stop shaving beautiful smooth legs to impress me... If you want to sell me a razor blade shave a freaking gorilla.

   I know I would be an awesome Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it bad."

   I don't eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I'll have to spend more time in the s#*tter at work.

   I'm sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   Gotten excited for nothing thinking she was touching herself under the covers but she was actually just opening a Kit Kat she didn't wanna share.

   sometimes I still wish I had Jessie's Girl.

   Hate it when people text me "k" because I'm rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium.

   I’m pretty sure if my dog could talk his most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   NO I'm not lazy, I'm just laying like this until planking makes a comeback.

   Sorry Boss, I can't work I've got too much on my plate right now. You'll have to ask someone else. *Googles 'do koalas go to heaven'*

   If psychics and palm readers knew anything they'd have hand washing stations.

   My girlfriend said she wants our relationship to be like a fairy-tale. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.

   You know we're on the right track when the American nation trust Russia .... More than they trust the Democrat Party.

   There's a fine line between crazy & free spiirited and it's usually a prescription.

   I know I am a guy but stopping offended when I try to breast-feed in public. Besides, it helps my dog and I bond better

   I'm pretty sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   My neighbor asked me to watch her cats while she was out of town. I replaced all the cat litter with Pop Rocks. Now we wait.

   Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in

   There's a thin line between Nirmal and Crazy people , and that line is usually cocaine

   If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods would someone else make a sound?