Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Why the do vegans have fake meat? "I'm morally opposed to eating meat but I want to pretend I'm eating it."

   Whoever let women in the army, I salute you. Women on their period, with a gun... Unstoppable!

   The gentleman in me says, "Let it go." But the animal in me says, "Sh*t in her shoes."

   Karen on Facebook says… "Going to the dentist now. Hate having things put in my mouth!!! :(" That's probably why your husband left, Karen.

   my buddies and I have an agreement when it comes to women. We agree they're all crazy...

   If anyone ever tells me I put too much parmesan cheese on my pasta, I stop talking to them, b/c I don't need that kind of negativity in my life

   For the record, you'll need a turntable needle.

   Darwin you idiot,, we actually evolved from babies

   Three favorite days of a boat owner: 1) The day he buys his boat 2) The day he sells his boat 3) The day a bomber is cornered in his boat.

   Women are 60% water, 20% makeup, 10% clothing, 8% shoes, and 1% hairspray. That leaves 1%, yet they demand 100% of men's attention.

   So I order the Country ham omelet. It was disgusting to say the least. I asked where they get it. She goes, "Yemen."

   My view on gun control. The criminal is the cheetah and the average U.S. citizen is the antelope. The cheetah will always be there to attack the antelope. Stripping the antelope of its horns will not solve the problem. It makes it defenseless.

   something tells me somebody somewhere is trying to find the formula to create zombies.

   You can tell my girlfriend's really Japanese because her genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around them

   I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?" B*tch.

   Angie's List?? Yeah, like I'd trust the opinions of a bunch of random idiots...

   So when are Yankee fans allowed to hate Red Sox fans again?

   I stay high because it doesn't hurt from up here.

   Accidentally spilled tear gas, and then realized there's no point in crying over it.

   To any babies out there, I'm impressed that you can read this.