Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't get why people find drunk texts annoying. You're the person they're thinking of when their brain can't even function properly.

   True story: I saw 2 fat guys get in a shoving fight at the donut shop this morning.... Also true: I kept yelling "use your diabetes on him!!"

   My tattoos pretty much ALL mean the same thing.... I had money to blow.

   Hey Budyy...."yeah you who is reading this"......Are you still waiting for something funnny? Give me a sec, I'm getting a BJ.....

   I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

   "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's Not Unusual."

   JAB, I'd start a conversation with one of you, but it's easier to sit here and ignore you. . .

   A fun thing to do during an argument is bring up every irrelevant detail from past arguments until you win & die alone.

   I am a kleptomaniac, and when it gets really bad I take something for it.

   My advice for new parents: 1. You'll make mistakes... 2. Use the five second rule... 3. All kids are different... 4. You're a terrible parent.

   It was just yesterday where it was a requirement to say grace before every meal... Now the only importance before a meal is making sure you get glamour shot for instagram.

   Does karma have a silent observers hot line or something? I'd like to speed up the process for a few people!

   I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs or anything but I would have made the iPhone charger about 5 feet longer...

   I feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan, imagine how many Adobe updates she’ll have after rehab.

   Al Michaels arrested for DUI. Don't worry Al, John Madden makes me want to drink too.

   I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know... look around, listen to the radio.

   Whenever I stalk someone, I wear a big foam finger so it's less creepy and more "super awesome fan."

   "look sharp" - me to my poorly maintained knives before guests arrive

   I assume most animals are in the zoo for some pretty serious crimes.

   Lately I've been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...