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When I text someone and they don't text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement. 
So Iran wants to make an Oil for Nukes deal with North Korea! The best deal is still the one Israel has with the USA....... Nukes for NOTHING !!!
My next girlfriend I am going to train like my dog. She will be loyal, obedient, and lick herself.
I just bought a Birthday cake. It's not my Birthday, I just wanted cake.
I don't hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah's witnesses to your door...on a daily basis.
Today is 4/20, or as the people of Colorado call it, Saturday.
just remember guys, your problems are your problems but her problems are OUR problems...
’m in such a good mood I think I’m going to cook* a delicious dinner**! (*open, **bottle of wine)
Watching that episode where Scooby Doo takes a dump on the kitchen floor and Shaggy beats him mercilessly with an old newspaper...
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
Nerdy pickup lines: You have an appendix. I like that in a woman.
Nerdy pickup lines: You have an appendix. I like that in a woman.
It should be made legal to strangle people to death who ruin Facebook wallposts because they didn't get the sarcasm so post a serious reply.
They were Towel Heads after all....stick THAT in your Hookah libs.
Why do I have to pray to G0D for help? Doesn't he know? I mean, he's G0D for G0D's sake.
all I really want is someone to love me as much as kanye west loves himself
During drought season, I consider a paper bag, and good make up for ugly chicks to wear in bed
Don't think of it as him cheating on you. Think of it as him making a new friend and their privates were just shaking hands.
Regaining my trust takes a long time. Like building a house or pleasing a fat woman.
Fatass Quanicka ruined Casual Friday for every this past Friday......Sh e wore shorts
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