Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight!

   The 4 interactions I've had with human beings today, plus the one after that.

   How can you tell if someone at work drives a hybrid? Don't worry, they'll tell you 5 times a day...

   Love is like working out it hurts really bad until you just give up and eat a cake.

   There are men in this world who have killed sharks with their bare hands. I can't even touch a picture of a bug in a book.

   Kim Kardashian is reportedly overeating while pregnant to secure a lucrative weight loss deal. Didn't her sex tape already prove she'll put anything in her mouth to make money?

   If by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.

   When you have an old girlfriend call asking for money for an alternator for her new boyfriend's car, you realize you need to upgrade your choices in women.

   You know you have a good plate of nachos when you rotate the plate a few times and still can't figure out where to start eating them from

   If you feel you 'have nobody to blame but yourself' you're not trying hard enough. I can always find someone to pin it on.

   80s music brings me back to good times like when I didn't exist.

   a man was just arrested for having sex with a woman in exchange for food. He was charged with dating.

   The irony, I was conceived on a pull out couch...

   If you can't tell the difference between Digorno and delivery, you probably can't tell the difference between jacking off and poon tang...

   Every morning you are handed 24 golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, You couldn't buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure..

   Good things are free; bad things are also free.

   Tonight I've used Brasso and leather soap! I imagine I smell like Joan Collins.

   Every time I do a good deed, something bad happens.

   My conservative friend had blood dripping from his mouth. I asked him if he's ok and he said "don't worry about it, my sister's in her period"

   Studies show we aren't doing anything right.