Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A woman calling you "bro" is a pretty clear sign that it's time to put your pen*s back in your pants.

   Lucy on facebook gets 107 likes when she posts "I can't sleep" I post a blow job joke and my aunt threatens to tell my mom. Facebook works in mysterious ways!

   Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.

   At the start of a relationship her snoring is gentle music. 5 years later you loom over her with a pillow and a distant look in your eye.

   My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   Not sure how these ducks got into this Starbucks. Or teenage girls. Hard to tell really.

   If losing me wrecked your life, you seem to have forgotten what having you did to mine...

   I don't want to 'complete' anyone, I would rather date someone that already has their sh*t together....

   Walmart is a Zoo for people.

   I love my lucky rabbit's foot because nothing says good fortune like the severed limb of an adorable, defenseless, woodland creature.

   Never send Dennis Rodman to N.Korea to do Chris Brown's job.

   Facebook needs a dismember button.

   can't we just assume everyone loves their children and hates cancer??

   After a few decades, everyone you know will be dead. Problem solved.

   Having a bucket list sounds like work. No thank you.

   They say if you have a fear of spiders you are more likely to find one in your bedroom..............I'm really afraid of Mila Kunis.

   Anybody else wonder why Noah didn't swat the two mosquitoes?

   She: Your cute. Me: My cute what?

   One man's birthday is another man's free liquor day.

   If you love someone set them free. If they comeback, probably it was a Fast & The Furious Movie.