Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Poss reasons for weight gain 1) cows switched to fullfat grass 2) pizza's not a veg now 3) my hips are pregnant 4) eat too much*

   All voicemail systems tell you the date and time of the message, so can you please, please, please stop telling me what time it is.

   People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.

   I see people are still talking about their spirit animals. They put mine to sleep so I can't go in on that one.

   Emo kids can't wait to reach puberty so they can cut themselves shaving.

   Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they're just nodding and thinking about pancakes.

   North Korea is the snotty kid that no one liked and China is the babysitter that let him do what he wanted so she could fu*k her boyfriend.

   The Bible says h*mosexuality is wrong. I forget the exact chapter. But it’s there somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

   I'm not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.

   I buy cheap booze and expensive toilet paper because my liver doesn't care but my ass does.

   Ladies don't worry, she will never be you...and when he realizes this, don't take him back because he probably has herpes.

   if a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?

   How the hell do you call Batman during the day?

   You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

   No one realizes when someone says, "The last thing I wanna do is hurt you," that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.

   I don't need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.

   Booze is just Febreze for the soul

   I hate it when someone gives me a really fake smile. Especially when I've gone to the trouble of making my fake smile seem so genuine.

   Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I'm going to assume that's your smart car parked outside.

   My girl's father got mad at me, for writing my name in piss on the side of his house. I said "what about your daughter sir, it was her handwriting"