Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My wife was complaining that she isnt in shape!!!! Now I sleep on the sofa, becuase I told her Round is a shape!

   I bought a smart phone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show

   Ummm its not the same when your writing about SCANDAL or any other show when everyone did that days ago on faceboook!

   Vampires beware!!!! Blade has been released!!!!

   Imagining the horrified look on your kid's face when you tell them "When I was born there was no internet".

   Met Taylor Swift at the airport this morning and complimented her on her dress. Now she's sitting in a tree outside my window in a wedding dress with a guitar..... This can't be good!!!

   Apparently, Kim Jong-un wants to meet Seal Team Six....

   I would bet you $50 Gary Busey calls his nipples Gary-olas

   Throws book at someones face* "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?!" "I just Facebooked you" :)

   Doctor: Does insanity run in your family? My friend: Yes, my husband thinks he is the boss. :)

   The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake.

   JAB, Can you only imagine how many people not on our friends list who are doing the same thing we're doing. Ignoring each other, it's been good ignoring with you.. have a good evening. . .

   Because the brilliant automakers in Detroit decided to put the dimmer switch on the turn signal and call it a “smart stick”....and THAT’S how I managed to get my foot stuck in the steering wheel..and I am sticking with that story until photographs s

   Westly Snipes should have never gone to prison for a misdemeanor convection! How about locking up some of the bankers who crashed the economy?

   Pot luck means bring a bag of chips right?

   thinks that girls who say they're comfortable with their body may as well say "why bother taking care of myself"

   Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is

   I hate when the guy seated next to me on the plane falls asleep and his azz starts to snore.