Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I just watched a tampon commercial for 8 minutes before I realized it was an episode of Sex and the City.

   I'm happily married. - People who are new to Facebook.

   Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

   What doesn't kill you get arrested and most likely post bail.

   You wanna know where I'm ticklish? Hawaii.

   I thought Canadian was a religion.

   I can’t control you're being an idiot, but I can control whether or not you’re on my friends list.

   For some people its, "Started from the bottom I'm still there"

   please tell me what expression I had that made you talk to me so I can change it...

   The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up.

   Civilization is the process of setting man free from men.

   The doctor said I have to start watching what I eat and drink. Today, I watched a ham and cheese omelet, a bacon cheeseburger, a large french fry, a frosty, and now I am getting ready to watch a meat lovers pizza and a cold brew...I got this covered doc.

   I'd like to return this pack of gum, They taste awful... "Sir, those are Band-Aids."... Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids,, Someone ate some.

   Getting drunk and waking up in strange places is the only kind of vacation I can afford.

   I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still here.

   I took Nyquil and Dayquil. I forgot how to tell time.

   Hey, you don't have to file your tax returns if you think the President's an a$$hole, right? Asking for a friend.

   Really sucks how the "Law" makes me wait until after 11pm to smash my bass guitar playing neighbors face in.

   Instead of facebook showing you a list of people you may know maybe it show you a list of people to avoid.

   Roger Ebert just gave his doctors two thumbs down...