Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just realized I havn't checked in on my Tamagotchi for 14 years. Wish my wife could be the same way.

   To really intrigue, women must be capable of revenge and cruelty — toward others or themselves.

   Is it necessary for every office-building stairwell to look like a Law & Order crime scene?

   FYI- Clear plastic bra straps make you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.

   I shouldn't have had that 14th cup of coffee... I CAN'T EVEN BLINK ANYMORE!

   Does anyone out there realize that reality shows are scripted and are not really reality?

   "Tyler Perry presents: Tyler Perry in Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry."

   Wearing a sweater that's not fully dry; why don't you tell me how your morning's going so I can feel better about my life choices.

   I read quantum physics magazines for the particles...

   I envy a gay man's ability to not be lured to shipwreck by a nice pair of breasts.

   Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

   Wanted to wear something less restricting to work today so I went with granny panties and a Snuggie and that's why I'm in HR this morning.

   Love your job but don't love your company because you may not know when your company stops loving you.

   95% of lifes conversations boil down to "If you pretend to care about what I'm saying, I'll pretend to care about what you're saying."

   I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.

   Let's be Sonny & Cher....I'll get old and show everyone my a$$, and you can ski into a tree and die.

   I'm a pair of skinny jeans short of a mid life crisis

   Try this... Whenever leaving fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".

   Being a d*ck, isn't going to make yours bigger.

   Ever been so hammered you open up a box of Frosted Flakes thinking it's a jigsaw puzzle of a tiger?