Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   What if you just started licking the dentist fingers while they were in your mouth.

   The best neighbors are the ones you never see.

   Don't text and drive. You don't want "lol" to be the last thing you say before you die.

   My signature move is falling in love with people I can't have.

   Dogs: OMG YOU'RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!! Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty...fill it..I'll be on the couch.

   I hate when I forget that I don't like you.

   Gangnam Style: Dancing like an overweight Ch!nk getting b0ned up the a$$ by a sumo wrestler while wearing handcuffs that were put on by a ret@rded cop.

   If you like it then you should have put a ring on it. Or refrained from referring to her as “it” so much

   A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I'll catch the next one. She's mad at me now.

   Oh so you wanna loose weight, by eating healthy........then why your healthy food weighs more than the cheap stuff?

   How can you be a "natural" bodybuilder if you're cramming your body with protein powders, amino acids, and all other kinds of supplements?

   When my son asked my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance, I said "maybe she went bIack",,., and now I don't have to help with homework

   Whenever something good happens to me, I look at my calendar and circle the day I think I'll ruin it.

   You say alcohol abuse, I say this alcohol is getting exactly what it deserves.

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary... Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google it.

   I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now."

   my voice is girly when I talk to strangers but when i’m with friends I turn into morgan freeman!

   Saw a bird poo on a Smart car. Totaled it.

   Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.

   "Find the Juan for you!" - Mexican dating site