Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I love tan lines... it's like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)

   his relationship status set to "It's Complicated" simply because he can't decide on which hand to use.

   Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone without asking first

   Jaywalking sounds like a stupid made up crime so I treat it like one. If you think I am walking an extra block to cross the street, you are out of your mind.

   Just bought formula. Babies would be cheaper if they ran on gas!

   GUYS: If you're out at the Youth Fair and you can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately!

   LADIES: If you're at the Fair and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there too. He'll find you immediately.

   My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That's not my waiter

   We are so fortunate not to live in China,,, they have to hide their posts in cookies.

   I'd go to church if they had Wi-Fi.

   I had my trophy wife stuffed and mounted.

   Dollar Store pregnancy tests,,, Cause you gonna be gettin your expired baby food and single ply diapers there after anyway.

   Failed biology because apparently the answer to "what is commonly found in cells?" Isn't "Blacks and Mexicans"

   If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.

   tolerance isn't supporting something you agree with, it's supporting something you don't agree with...

   It's kinda sad that I'm 46 and I still need to say "righty tighty,, lefty loosey" when I fix things.

   New "Shots" Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone's face.

   Saying I am hard to shop for is admitting that you don't know where the liquor store is.

   I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on. "Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said. "But Dad, I'm 18," he protested. "I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."

   Ford F-150 commercials make it seem as if hauling loads of crumbled boulders over mountainous terrain is a commonly-practiced thing.