Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.

   Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to google "Pokémon" and then copy/paste the "é".

   Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.

   Who ever said talk is cheap never got a bill from a lawyer for a 30 minute consultation.

   One of the hardest things I ever had to do as a kid was OPEN a Band-Aid with a cut finger... using a stupid red string.

   If anyone wonders what a difference a year can make in someone's life....allow me to explain......if someone had told me a year ago....that Lance Armstrong and I would have the same number of Tour de France wins....I would have argued with them....but now

   Facebook should have an automatic detection service that as soon as someone posts something regarding the gym or healthy eating, then they immediately get rewarded with a medal that they are obviously after.

   If "thought bubbles" appeared above my head every time I ran into a moron, I'd seriously be screwed.

   Told this girl I'm a tenor, and she said, "You're a six,,, and that's with me being generous."

   Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

   You’ll never get the same results running on a tread mill as you will running from a pi$sed off Pit Bull

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "A Brat about to get an a$s whooping".

   but why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   i gotta crap so big I'm thinking I need to hire a event planner!

   I hate Mondays. I've destroyed my office with my air guitar twice already today!

   I'm not saying she's fat. I'm just saying if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know.... She'd be three of them.

   Thinking of renewing my vow... to never get married again...

   Took a major dump and when I flushed, I yelled to the stall next to me "Sh#t's goin down" ... silence

   theres no "half-singing" in the shower... you are either a wimp or a Rock Star....

   I sometimes eat pizza with a fork... Please love me anyway.