Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.

   Grammar: The difference between knowing your s&it and knowing you’re s&it.

   If you’re camping and you have WiFi, you’re not camping.

   When I start my drinks, my di&k does all the thinking..

   ny psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.

   Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells F&CK really loud then people scurry like mad.

   There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!

   I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.

   It’s funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   4 horrible facts: Today is not Friday. Tomorrow is not Friday. The day after Tomorrow is not Friday. Even the day after that is not Friday.

   I wonder if Medusa ever just relaxed and put her snakes back in a ponytail?

   Sometimes when i'm following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel. don't be hatin!

   in honor of it being 3 days into spring and so cold we will be barbecuing Punxsutawney Philly steak and cheese tomorrow

   Ghetto Olympics: On your MARK.........Get SET.............TWERK!

   I've heard of women that aren't crazy ... but I've also heard of unicorns, so whatever...

   Stop referring to yourself as a "woman with curves" when in reality you're a "woman with fat rolls."

   Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?

   I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."

   Sorry, I'm not tall enough to ride your emotional roller coaster ...

   it rude to throw a breathmint in someone's mouth while they are talking??