Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Ladies: A man's superpower is to tell you everything you want to hear.

   There's nothing worse than not getting the right amount of love from strangers on the internet.

   We're all our own worst critics, except for you, I'm your worst critic.

   I'd trade 75% of my friends for a box of Oreos.

   I love the taste of water, especially frozen into cubes and completely surrounded by vodka.

   We all have at least one of those creepy friends who are sure to comment on a facebook post/status when they see a female comment first...

   thinks it's great that my truck will tell me when I have low air pressure in one of my tires...nut it would be even better if it told me WHICH freaking tire needed the air!!

   I tried to say no to the vodka but it was 40% stronger than me

   Come on people if you're gonna walk at night smoke a cigarette or something so I can see you, can't be having any more dents in my car.

   FACT... Girls that smoke are 20X more likely to put something else dirty in their mouths.

   Maybe....just maybe if we wait a little longer, a fú¢k fell in my hand, I can give it to you.

   My girl is a serial over-reactor. You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can't go in the kitchen alone anymore.

   Hey, stop staring at me! Is it your first time to see a guy doing hula hoops at a gym?

   My son got one of those 'Stop Bullying' wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid!

   Shout out to my thrid grade teacher for teaching me cursive, my fith grade teacher for teaching me how to use the Index of an Encyclopedia and my seventh grade teacher for teaching me how to boot a computer into DOS. PS. Google says, "Hi!"

   Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.

   204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and yet I can't find a decent relationship. This sucks!!!!

   This weekend feels like its going to be a "safe-word free" type of weekend.

   The least realistic part of Deep Impact is the way everyone in the world accepts the conclusions of science.

   204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and yet you can't find a decent relationship. Must be something wrong with you.