Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you think you are having a bad day just know mike Tyson is in a restaurant somewhere trying to order "the sweet and sour soup"

   Alanis Morissette sang about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. Question: why do you have 10,000 spoons?

   Bad things happen to good people, so I'm pretty sure we're all safe

   Tiger Woods is now dating Lindsey Vonn. That man gets so much ass, if this were 1800's his slave name would be Poonta Kinte

   My tombstone will read: He died doing what he loved. Your wife.

   This girl told me that she likes men who know long words. So, I told her how ammaazzzziiiinnnggg she was.

   If I were a Caveman I would have masturbated in front of a T-Rex just to make him jealous!

   I don't necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!

   "It was good but he spanked me a little too much..." - no woman ever

   Hi God it me again. I'd like to return these feelings, they're faulty and make my eyes leak. Thank you.

   Him: Lil Wayne's in the hospital. Me: WHAT!!!! Him: Do you know who Lil Wayne is? Me: YEAH!!! Him: You're thinking of Lil John. Me: OKAY!!!

   My doctor gave me six months to live. I told him I couldn't pay my bill. He gave me another six months.

   Don't worry, we'll keep orbiting the sun without you.

   My superpower is being able to remove a bra with one hand...in the dark...drunk.

   Last night I slept for 6 hours straight then 1 hour ga y.

   What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.

   For those of you that were wondering about my brackets: [ ] { } [ ] { } and [ ] { }

   did you hear the leading cause of gunshot wounds are bullets?

   Roman Catholic establishment has 1.2billion followers or as I like to call them, sheep.

   I'm going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I'm drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.