Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.

   If you wear a pirates outfit to PetSmart... you can walk out with a like eight parrots on each shoulder and they can't say nothing.

   After 4 crappy cruises,Carnival Cruise Lines should just change their slogan to "Still better than the Titanic!!!"

   I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me

   facebook should have an "I've seen enough" button.

   I just turned my keyboard upside down and shook it over my desk and now I don't have to go grocery shopping for at least two weeks.

   Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family

   Scientists are trying to find new ways to deflect asteroids in case one gets close to hitting Earth. My theory is putting a Cubs uniform on the asteroid would render it incapable of hitting anything.

   Yesterday I had the day off, which means that today I feel more useless than the 'g' in Lasagne.

   A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked

   Selena Gomez made Justin Bieber cry by telling him Tom cruise is taken by another guy.

   Just woke up with a face full of rice. Must've fallen asleep the moment my head hit the pilau...!

   I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!

   Papacy - humans praying to another human.

   North if she is desperate for attention..

   I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.

   I read quantum physics magazines for the particles.

   Seems like I can't go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.

   Seeing Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon do history of Rap, is like seeing Kat Williams and Jay-Z do History of Country!

   you know your getting old when you put your foot up on a cement curb so you can tie your shoe.....and you step on your nuts!