Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I've had six husbands. Seven if I count my own.

   If you think your day is going badly just remember that somewhere in the world a man with a lisp is trying to order the "Sweet & Sour Soup"

   My pet peeve is when people say redundant words after acronyms, like “PIN number” or “ATM mouth.”

   I bet Unawarewolves don't even know they don't exist

   Got kicked out of another restaurant this afternoon for breast feeding. Hey - when my husband wants titty, he wants titty.....

   Motivating my office co-workers is like hammering square pegs into unwilling sphincters

   I hate when I get drunk and start bidding on e-bay

   Why do porn sites have a "Share to Facebook" button? Who watches porn and thinks, "You know who'd really enjoy this? My family and friends."

   Dear Axe Bodyspray, Please create a new bottle that allows only one spary every 24 hours. Thank you for your consideration. Signed, Mother of a ten year old boy

   Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.

   I wish I were a glow worm, A glow worm's never glum. "Cause how can you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum?!

   Are you a low budget movie, because you are boring?

   Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.

   Of course best friend, you are allowed to have other friends as long as you love me more.

   If you pull out my earphones I will pull out your vocal cords!

   Every medicine made in China is like PROS: you’ll stop coughing. CONS: you might die!

   CHILD-"hey grandpa, when did you know grandma was the one?"....GRANDPA- "when her sister dumped me!"

   If my job was to make health questionnaires, I'd slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"

   I'm just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.

   I found a penny today and it reminded me of my ex...worthless and in everybody's pants.