Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you’re depressed and hate your life just remember you’re not alone. We all hate your life too.

   Irish I was drunk already ツ

   My doctor said, "This is going to sting a little," and then proceeded to say, "I've unfriended you on Facebook."

   What I lack in sleep, I make up for in blank stares.

   If I were a waiter & someone was rude to me, I wouldn't touch their food. I'm an adult. I'd hide in the back seat of their car with a knife.

   Not to alarm anyone but I just saw a flying pig. It was in a helicopter but I couldn't figure out which one of the Kardashians was it.

   It's perfectly OK to pretend that you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?

   When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!

   My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".

   The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

   Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

   Kindness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.

   Cheating is always worse when a woman does it because she has experience turning down sex. When she cheats, it is premeditated cheating; when a guy cheats, it is just cheating.

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.

   Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"

   waiter: "what would you like to drink?" me: "тнє вℓσσ∂ σƒ му єηємιєѕ" waiter:... me:... waiter:... me:... waiter:... me:... waiter: "is pepsi okay?"

   # 19: You are smart and very attractive and a great ..... Ahhh!, who am I kidding? No one invited me to play this stupid game!

   When a guy catches me naked in bed with his wife I just pretend I'm from the future. And ask for his clothes, his boots and his motorcycle.

   Ladies; don’t get mad when guys stare at your boobs because there is going to be a time in the future when no guy will want to look at your boobs after time has had its way with them and they now look like raisins.

   came down with an incredibly bad case of Leprechaunorrhea last year so he is going to behave himself today!!!